Saturday, January 15, 2011

Author Interview: Spendlove

And today we have a special treat: another author interview! This time it's with a brilliant, up-and-coming author who apparently has identity issues. I may or may not be related to this person, who is frequently called Spendlove, and whom I shall refer to by the abbreviation "S".

Now, without further ado, I have a few questions for you, S.

S:  I shall answer the questions for you, however, I want it noted that I am The Shiz, and there shall be no other Shiz besides me.

IF:  Where do want it noted?

S:  My left tricep.

IF:  Alriiiight. Let's start with these basic questions. Never mind if they don't apply to you; answer them anyway. Are you still writing that novel?

S:  Yes. Explicitly.

IF:  Well, when will I be able to walk into Borders and buy it? What's taking so long?

S:  Two words; Munchkin Encounters. Simply put, you have literally no idea what that's like.

IF:  Are there vampires or zombies in it?

S:  What do you take me for? Some bandwagoner who's only care in life is to have angsty teens read his books?

IF:  What else is worth caring about? Are you famous?

S:  Well, among those who know me, I am quite well known.
IF:  But how many degrees are you from Kevin Bacon?

S:  All seven, baby. All seven.

IF: Are you rich?

S:  Define "rich"....

IF:  To be rich is to have the respect and gratitude of your siblings. How much is that worth to you?

S:  Roughly 17%. Give or take.

IF:  What's your book about?

S:  Seven inches by four inches by two inches.

IF:  Is it written on cheese slices?

S:  Slice, not slices. It's a miracle of modern engineering.

IF:  Am I in it?

S:  No. But for a sufficient amount of money, you could be.

IF: I can offer something better than money. I can make you rich. Can I be the hero?

S:  Okay, now who's definition of rich here? are you saying that by simply being the hero in my book you can guarentee me a post on the New York Times best sellers list? Or are you saying that I'll earn your respect by making you the hero in my book? I'm confused.

IF:  Obviously it's the NYT list, but we'll move on. You claim you're a writer, but what do you really do?

S:  I uh... What kind of a question is this? Are you questioning my validity as an artist or something? How dare you? What right do you have to profane the image I am striving to uphold of a conscientious author? And where do you suppose you got that right? And who do you think is responsible for protecting that right? So don't you think that the next time the topic comes up you should GIVE A LITTLE MORE RESPECT TO THE ARMED FORCES???? Yes. You should. I rest my case.

IF:  So, you joined the Marines? Does Mom know?

S:  Not joined. AM. Completely different situation there.

IF:  One final question: I have a great story idea that's sure to sell millions. You wanna ghost write it for me?

S:  If by "ghost write" you're implying that you'd have to kill me first, I say no. If, however, "ghost write" is to be interpreted as "you get all the royalties and I just get to put my name on the cover", I'm down. Fame has never been my drive. Fortune might enter into it, but fame certainly doesn't.

IF:  Actually, that's a really good idea. I'll publish my book with your name on it, and I'll take all the royalties. Sweet! (The offer to make you rich is still on the table. You can describe me as tall, muscular, with thick hair and a strong jaw.)

Thank you, Mr. The Shiz, for joining us today. As always, if you're an author and would like to advance your career by appearing in this exclusive space, email us at the address above right.

Several questions in this interview were taken from this great blog post by Elspeth Antonelli with tips for what to ask an author. Oh, wait. It was what NOT to ask an author. Oops.

Check out Spendlove's blog, My Valley. One final word from his email signature:
--
"Hear the tolling of the bells, Iron bells..."
-The Bells, Edgar Allen Poe

4 comments:

  1. Thick hair? Strong jaw? Are you crazy?

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's "a" thick hair. Love your interview. Made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was gonna say something. But it was too mean. Oops.

    ReplyDelete