Monday, February 21, 2011

The Latest Query

As of February 21, 2011:


Brian’s life is nearly perfect.

Leah’s is a living hell.

Brian lives in the moment.

Leah remembers things that haven’t happened yet.

They have one thing in common—Esha. She’s Brian’s girlfriend and Leah’s rescuer, and she just learned to control other people’s emotions.

According to Leah, she’s also about to be murdered.

But Leah has a plan. It hinges on the fact that Esha’s power comes from and fulfills other people’s desires. That power will protect her as long as someone nearby wants to keep her safe. Brian’s feelings for Esha make him the perfect power source.

Unfortunately, Esha can only draw power from people who don’t know what she’s doing. For Leah’s plan to succeed, she and Esha must keep Brian in the dark. It’s not hard. In the dark is exactly where he wants to be with Esha.

And Leah tells Brian not to temper his desires, even when they drive Esha crazy and threaten their relationship. It sounds like really bad advice, but can he risk ignoring it? Esha trusts Leah, after all.

In truth, Leah has no idea how to prevent the murder. Her power to remember the future could help—if she used it again. It would also destroy her mind. Even Esha wouldn’t be able to repair the damage.

Brian wants to keep his girlfriend.

Leah wants to keep her sanity.

They both need Esha to live.

Someone has to lose.

IN MEMORY is a 74,000 word young adult urban fantasy.

3 comments:

  1. Can I give my two cents on this? Because I think it's really strong already, and I want this to get sold.

    The beginning is great. At this paragraph, it falters...

    "But Leah has a plan. It hinges on the fact that Esha’s power comes from and fulfills other people’s desires. That power will protect her as long as someone nearby wants to keep her safe. Brian’s feelings for Esha make him the perfect power source."

    I'm going to be Simon Cowell for a second and say that that paragraph confuses the heck out of me, and I'm already aware of your concept!

    I think the problem is, you lead with this great interweaving-character thing. You're showing us that all these characters are connected in a very nuanced and profound way. But at the above paragraph, when you should be telling us something, you're still doing the interweaving-character thing. My mind starts tripping when it should be catching its feet.

    I think the main problem with the middle paragraphs is I don't understand how someone can both draw power from someone's emotions AND change their emotions. Wouldn't the two cancel each other out? Couldn't you change someone's emotion then draw from it, negating the whole point? It doesn't make sense... So your explanation of the plot falters. My mind phases out.

    And I don't love "someone has to lose" at the end, because I don't clearly see the dichotomy between Leah keeping her sanity and Brian keeping his girlfriend. And I don't want to say, "Hey, really clarify that dichotomy for me!" because I don't think it's hugely important to your pitch. What I DO like is that nice sentence punch thing at the end. Keep that. In some form. It echoes the opening.

    I LOVE the "in the dark is where Brian wants Esha" statement.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's worth a lot more than two cents! This is exactly the sort of thing I need to hear. I could write the most confusing pitch in the world and not know it because, well, I wrote it. Of course it makes sense to me. Thanks, Jaimie!

    ReplyDelete